Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Conundrum

I've been sending emails, but there are too damn many to write. I say the same thing to everyone, so they should just come to Moot Montage. That would simplify my life. I was glad to recognize that I am not depressed. I've struggled with depression on and off for years and thought it might be infiltrating. I realized my dispirited attitude was due to my having been overtaken by a virus and premenstral. Cool. Those things I can manage. Those things are fleeting. The weather has been enough to make me want to plan a move to southern California. My former boyfriend (who I'm totally not over) just moved back south. He didn't tell me this, I found out through his myspace page. I don't really care what people have to say about that, or about getting over somebody. I think people are totally weird who project that I should be neat and tidy about fucking loving someone with the entirety of my soul, down to his every nuclei, and then expecting me to casually return a few things and think nothing of him from then on. Fuck that. As well, fuck any of his friends who are cold and therefore as I see it, emotionally retarded. Yeah, but more on that another time. What is on my mind (and subsequently in my emails) is all the fucking shit I have to do. Or have on a list of things to do, whether they need to be done or not. Not everything makes it onto a written list, but I have an abundance of those too. Oh, as you can see, my natural linguistic cussing patterns are showing themselves. Yeah, I cuss a lot. I would venture to say I cuss more than anyone I know. I remember talking to a boyfriend at some point about how I wanted to curb gossiping, and he responded with something like, "Yeah, it would be good to stop cussing." What the fuck?! What are you talking about? I was totally not even addressing that, and I do not intend to stop my precious cussing. Anyway, so this whole list of things to do, it is extensive and self-generating. There is always some god damn thing to do!!!! There was a time in my life where I began meditating. At first I would open my eyes to look at the clock several times in a 5 minute session. Eventually I worked my way up to comfortably meditating for 20 minutes. It was so healing and empowering. I know from personal experience that it helps combat the feelings of anxiety that come up for me around the endless cycle of shit to do. But I have to tell you, right now, "take time to meditate" is just another thing on that list.

2 comments:

Jen said...

Oh man can I relate!! Let me add "Grow spiritually" to my list of stuff I have to do. It goes right under "Mop the floor" and "Write my novel". Whatever.
Hey, I think your feelings are yours and no one can change them or discredit them.
Happy Easter, Chica. Hang in there. I love you.

Carrie said...

Right? That is so funny and true. "The List". I like to put an affirmation on there, like "I love and approve of myself" or "God is with me, all is well". This feelings business I may just need to post about. Hmmm...