Thursday, July 13, 2006

McRant

There's a lot on my mind. Moods, life, thinking, feedback, whatever. People keep telling me I deserve this or that. As in a loving partner. But like I've said, deserving something doesn't really mean shit, in my experience. Also, I am tired of people telling me I think too much. Or analyze too much. So what if it's true, even? What the fuck am I supposed to do about it? It's like telling someone they're too tall. That's just how my brain works. You know what I tell them? Maybe if other people would think more, I wouldn't have to do their share of thinking.

(I took a Maddy break)

Anyway, there's been a lot going on, because that's how life is as I know it. Complex and challenging. I fucking get so fed up with feeling inadequate for just being aware and honest. I am completely rambling, but I don't really care, for some reason. I think it's the anti-anxiety pills. I told Marc I couldn't be his friend because I'm too attracted to him. He was kind of offended. He's right, and I'm wrong. I make so many mistakes. But I was suffering. On the floor crying in fetal position kind of suffering. Anyway, it's all too fuckin' much sometimes. Life, people, death, reality, oppression, war, environmental devastation, moods, fears, sadness, confusion, depression, grudges. And then someone says sweet words, or Sage does something super spontaneous and new and it's kind of ok for those moments. Sometimes I cry with relief when love is exchanged or solutions are reached. I miss Marc a lot. I have missed him a lot since we first connected. I'm told my obsession with him, has nothing to do with him. And it's true. I mean he is a kick ass guy in his own right, but if it wasn't him, it would just be someone else. And that's so hard and embarrassing. Men are my addiction. They have been since at least junior high. I blogged about this a year ago or so. But I can't just abstain, it isn't that simple. I mean for awhile that's healthy, but not indefinitely. I'm not even over Ken, so I have no business being friendly and giving my number to someone anyway. But God was this one tasty. I wish I was addicted to something I could control. Something I could score on the streets. Instead of people with their own rights, who can set boundaries when you need a fix. Fuck.

2 comments:

Jen said...

I know what you mean. It totally sucks to be obsessed with something that does it's own thing regardless of what I feel. I hope this starts to feel better soon for you.

Carrie said...

Thanks Jen.