Sunday, July 02, 2006

It's been kind of shitty. Then I start thinking, is it always shitty? Do I always have this high of stress and this low of esteem? Anyway, the guy I like, and was whining to you about, before the phone rang and people showed up, is further fucking with my head. I have to move on, I can't afford it emotionally. But I don't know who is being the "crazy" one? I miss him. I know that. ALL THE TIME. I have that opportunity, because I fucking don't really ever see him. Today I decided I am uncomfortable. In my situation with him, in my body, my mind, at work, in my finances, under the rule of the leading government. That's not so good, eh? Anyway, things need to change. Or I want them to anyway. I'll be going home for the 4th. I hope that shifts my energies some. Things shifted a little this week, but crashed back down. I did a bunch of crying today. Wah. Maddy called me to goto a coffee house for an open mic, so I did. I even played. Some guy was talking to me and he was nice. And I just want to scream in his face. Just scare him away, or tell him, STOP TALKING TO ME NICELY!!!! DON'T YOU KNOW IT WILL ONLY MAKE ME LIKE YOU AND THEN YOU WILL BREAK MY HEART?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hmm, unhealthy much? I think I'll just post this on my blog, cuz I've been too insecure to write anything and in no way inspirational. Anyway, I hope you have some good bonding with your padre. And get all the dirt. It helps me to know where I come from. Like, "Oh! No wonder I'm like that." I finally bleached out the bathroom. I had to buy a bucket and some bleach. And I got a new mop head for when I want to mop my kitchen. And soaked the towel in bleach, which will no longer be for my face, but just be a rag. I still haven't entirely dealt with the old mop, but I'm addressing it all in stages. I want my life to be different. Or I want my attitude to be different. I am going to be taking anti-anxiety pills. Seems kind of dramatic, but I feel like it's come to that. Thanks for asking. ~C


evercurious said...

I hope you had a good 4th kitten.

Carrie said...

You too.