Saturday, July 01, 2006


Because I want to kiss you and because I think about you, because I like looking at your face, listening to your voice, feeling you touch me, smelling you, because you're happy in your own life, because I'm not happy enough in mine, because I want to spend time with you, because I care what you think, because it always ends up like this, because you don't answer your phone, because you don't follow through on your word, because it affects my thinking, because we won't be having sex, because I'm envious, because I'm insecure, because I only hear from you at night, because I saw how you were looking at Julie, because Arcata is teeming with younger, thinner, prettier, less complicated girls, because I'm broken, because you don't need me, because you don't invite me, because I'm impatient, because I am longing, because you are busy, because I am suffering is why I just can't continue in this capacity. You deserve freedom and autonomy and I deserve to be missed, connected, and held; with no confusion about what is being felt. I know it's extreme. I'm extreme. And lonely. But I like to know to expect the loneliness. And not pretend you could like me. I was independent and resigned to the absence of somebody. Then you smiled and listened to me. I'm so needy that if you threw your entire self into my void, it would be like taking a drop from the ocean and calling it emptied. I can't glimmer enough to make you swoon enough to make me satisfied. But I thank you for your eyes, your lips, your inspiration, your time. For making me feel like I could be a contender, even if you didn't let me win. I've missed you every day since you showed up in that meadow, and I will miss you still.

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