Sunday, October 15, 2006

Do I Even Know How to Use This Thing?

This could be great. I started blogging and wanted feedback, but never really got much and the whole thing was so unsatisfying. But I've been having all these thoughts lately and when I talk to people they want to talk back at me. Solve my problems, fix me, dismiss or minimize. Give me some fucking trite, invalidating, or HIGHLY personalized perspective and play like God, wrapping up my feelings and experiences into neat packages so they can feel better about my being in discomfort. Well, here I am. At the keyboard, remembering the beauty of the black hole blog. By now everyone has stopped checking for updates I'm sure and I can just floooooow. Perfect. It's raining today and I decided not to pick up a work shift, even though I need the money to support a newly acquired Aveda habit. So basically I paid $50 to do nothing today. Like a cover charge at the door of my apartment. Still I could use a week of this at least. There is SO much nothing that I need to do. I think shopping might feel good. I've been out of the shopping practice for years. Then threw myself back into consuming and had to take a break. I know everything I purchase is exploitive and I already have more than I need. Let's there anything really crucial to spill? Mostly I journal a lot, so it isn't that my thoughts aren't getting out of me. They are. I am just THAT self centered and absorbed. I have THAT many thoughts and feelings in a given hour. I need to journal in a notebook, journal on-line, talk, pray, take pills, meditate, just to expel the rapid fire observations, opinions, perceptions, theories, conclusions, confusions, delusions, pressures, and contradictions. Being me is complex. I'm not a fucking rotten turd, I realize I'm not brilliant, but I fucking think a lot and get all stimulated by simple happenings. Whatever. I don't have to defend myself, because it's my blog and no one is listening and I don't care. I'm working on self acceptance. Well, I don't know if I'm working on it, but it's a theme. Today the theme is Focus on School Work. It's true that if I want something in my life I need to practice that. That is to say, if I want happiness than practice happiness, or do things that bring happiness. If I want love, patience, energy, confidence, etc. So if I want to focus on my school work (which we all know I abso-fucking-lutely totally don't) then I need to practice it. Not wait for God to miraculously make me interested in my studies like Glenda. But rather show some fucking willingness. But I think I'm going to the mall instead. Mira got a kickin' zip-up hoody there and it's raining and I NEED long sleeves. Then I can hit a support group meeting and maybe dinner. Share my insanity with others. That's fun. And then MAYBE pick up a school book tonight, when I'm home. But I doubt it. I'm not claiming to be a victim. I know it's a procrastination of my making. I wonder though if it's the subjects, or the way in which I'm taught? Or if I'm just too self absorbed to give a fuck about what other people think, and I just want to think my own thoughts and think about what I think and how I think about that? Drinking water is important. And breathing. Breathing is really important.


Jen Ay said...

haven't read this or written in ages, but just letting you know there is an echo out in this cyberspace abyss.

Jen Ay said...

everytime i try to comment i get all fucked up. I suppose more frequent use would solve the technical problems.

Carrie said...

I love Jenny ferever.